Saturday, May 30, 2015

Just another COUPLE of days in the life of me

Things or just the same ol' same ol'.

Yesterday my younger brother call to see if we wanted to out and eat. He called my sister too. We all when out and enjoyed our time together - as limited as it has been since my brother works for a company in Houston.

Today my wife has bounced off to Wal-Mart then taken off to have dinner with our daughter. I know; I was not invited. They are talking about her moving into the out house in the country - bad idea - but that's not my decision.

My daughter is divorcing her husband - I understand why. She has lived with her fellow-friend for a while but I guess that did not work out either. My daughter is 40+ but hey she and my wife seem to know better so - do what they will.

The weather is crazy around here. It about to rain here again. We were lucky yesterday. I managed to mow our side lot but the front yard still needs to be mowed and I WAS hoping for today. The back yard is still mushy due to al the rain we have had over the past three weeks.

So here I sit, typing this and listening to the thunder and the coming rain.

Sad, but it never rained. It thundered, clouded up, and made me THINK it was gonna rain....but nothing.

I spent the whole afternoon working on my website, making it better.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

ALONE ONCE AGAIN; AGAIN; again; again.....

This is getting old and the summer is just about to begin. But then again when you are retired purposely or forced, everyday is just more of the same. Here I am forced into RETIREMENT and not enjoying any of it. I am not getting my SS check because it would not be enough to make ends meet. I'm just sitting around wishing, dreaming, hoping, praying, that things will get better.

These is no one to talk too. My cats can't talk. They barely love up on you. Now they have the right idea. They sleep most of the day away. Our dog - thinks he is a cat - and he sleeps also.

I have a few things I am about to head off to get done - wash the dishes, wash the towels, maybe do a few other small tasks. I tend to think about eating to much but it always makes me sick - which is a good thing however.

During the day I don't get any phone calls - other than calls from collectors of the bill kind. I do get a few text messages from my sister but general I have to start them. other than that I never hear my own voice.

I guess I better go load and start the dishwasher. The dishwasher is now full and I'm just looking around to see if I find anything else to go in it before I start it - you know the drill.

I've emptied all the trash but just looking around to see if there is anything I've missed. You know how that goes too. I've emptied 'doggie bags' from the fridge, cups from the sink, napkins from the kitchen counter.

Gathering up towels, dirty laundry, things of that nature. As I wander around looking everywhere I tend to find little things in odd places. But you also have to realize that we had our grand-daughter over to spend the night last night. That means things are scattered everywhere - plus I have made nearly a hundred trip to her bedroom taking little items and putting them up. Oh, she WAS told to pick them up - but she didn't get them all.

My day has been filled with little things like this just to help things go by smoother. The dishwasher is now running, the washing machine is now running, and the trash is ready to go out. I just changed the A/C filter. It needed it.

Now I have to look at the next think....dust mopping the wooden floors. I know what you are thinking. NO, I do not want to do your house. 2,800 sq. ft. is more than enough. Doing this everyday is tiring. But it is all done.

Next. maybe I can now sleep or watch a little TV or type here on the computer or work on my webpage(s).

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Alone - again

Each day this week and next I will be alone in my on thoughts, work, shopping, eating, texting, etc., etc., etc. My wife is working a music camp this week and next from about 9-5:30 each day. Then she goes off to do her evening activities - Community band, face-painting etc. There is a concert each Monday in June which I might go to or not.

Me? I just piddle around the house doing little  jobs here and there. I have tossed garbage cans full of my old teaching stuff so I don't have to look at it anymore. I have tossed book, trinkets, materials. Years worth of items that meant so much are and have been tossed. I have given away so much to others who are teaching the same thing as I have. My love is now just a memory and even that is beginning to fade.

I have been washing clothes, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the living room carpet, texting my sister. I am trying to find things to do. I went to Wal*Mart just to walk around getting the exercise I need and spent a whopping 20 bucks. I check emails all day long, I am posting things here just fill up my time. 

I fix lunch which is not real healthy but it is what I want to eat. I cut the grass, weed-eat the curb,  swept out the garage, just keep busy as much as I can.

Tomorrow is another day just like today. 

Today I am writing this, watching a Netflix movie on cartooning, which was very informative, and now I'm thinking about going outside and cutting the yard. I've had lunch, done everything else I needed to do so I'll just go cut the grass. Nobody can tell me NO.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Memorial Day

Memorial Day. When you celebrate remember to celebrate the people you made this day possible. I celebrate what my dad and his brothers did, what my father-in-law did, what my brother-in-law did, and what my grandson IS doing.
My dad and his brother and my F-I-L helped win the BIG ONE, my B-I-L fought in the most unpopular one - Vietnam, and my grandson, the Marine, is overseeing the Marine Corps special units - much like the Seals.

I believe in all that our troops have done in the name of our country - good and bad, I believe in the ideas they were following - both north and south. I believe in what our troops are and have been doing - both good and bad - in the old days and in modern times.

I don't always approve of them but I really don't know the reason  they were done - so I just have to believe that in the long run, they were for the good of the country.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

G-daughter's graduation- from kindergarten


Today we attended my G-daughter's graduation- from kindergarten at her Catholic school. She was so happy. Her mom and her new boyfriend's family were there, her dad was there, we were there, her god-mother and son were there. A really big event. Her mom took the day off from work which was a really BIG event for a five 1/2 year old.

From there my wife took me out to eat - it was brunch-time by then.  And now I'm sitting at home alone and just flipping thru the internet, looking for ideas that I can build lesson worksheets around.


Today is fairly quiet. My wife as nothing to do till much later today. As I check my BP & BS which have always been normal, they were a bit high today. Nothing major, just a bit higher than normal. I simply took my pills and w 
ill re-check them in a bit.

I have gotten no texts, no real emails, my online stuff has quit selling but that is expected. I am working on a few simple worksheets but nothing out of the ordinary.

I've read a couple of web items but nothing major either. Basically it has been a boring day. My wife is up, that's good.

I just can't get over why I can not find a "TEACHERS" blog site so I can get back to being productive and have some real, daily, readers. The internet is such a wide open place...but I WILL find that place soon I hope.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Live brain, Dead body?

Why does my brain work 24 hours a day and runs at 90 miles per hour yet my body has simple refuses to do much of anything. I feel that way all the time. My brain tells me that there are things to do, things I want to get done, things that won't take much time or money but my body just will not get up its fat ass and get any of it done.

I have been out and walked the dog, came back on the porch, sat in my rocking chair and let my brain just run wild. My brain says it wants to come in, clean the old living room, move all the stuff from the new living room, vacuum the carpet, then go rent a 'Rug Doctor' and do the new living room carpet. Normal, easy work…all of it. But my body just set out in the rocking chair and took a catnap.

Now WHY is that? First I know it will take a little time, a little money but being RETIRED I have lots of time, and I do have some money, so that's not it. I have never been lazy before, my now?

I can give you answers, my brain is telling me now while I type this.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

My Game Plan

My game plan has always been the same. I DO wake up and get ready for the day. Any day ABOVE ground or the dirt, is a good day. I do expect better but I do have to deal with what has been dealt me. I do hope AND PRAY that it will get better.

Does it? I may have to wait til next week, next month, next year to be able to tell you that. I am just impatient so I always expect better. I do look back a do realize that it feels different that it did six months ago - good and bad. But it does feel different.

I watched Shark Tank last night and the lady on there has had TWO strokes and she is STILL getting up and doing things every day. She gives me hope. My mini-stroke could have been worse, so I am happy for that fact - that I am better than it could have been.

At least I do get up and walk the dog, do cut the grass here AND in the country, do fix my own meals, do get to go out to Wal*Mart and places like that, and do get to spend time with my g-daughter.

Could I do more? Sure but I need to take what life has given me and simply go from there.

Is there a sadness in my life. Sure there is. Are there any regrets. Sure. Actually, lots of regrets but there is nothing I can do about them now. Life has passed those parts of my life by and that's what I am left with. I can't go back and do them over, and there are no 'do-overs' it life. Teaching history for all those years should tell me something about that.

As my friend said, I am in control of my sadness and despair and I can change it or make it better or worse.

Life's good points....
  • I can and do go to church each week
  • I can still type here
  • I still am helping teachers with teaching my beloved history
  • I still manage my history website
  • I still - most nights - get a good night's sleep
  • I am learning about my medical problem and it IS getting better day by day
  • I did go to physical therapy
  • I tend to go to doctor more regularly
  • I still go out to eat at least once or twice a week, but don't eat like I used to
  • I have had weight-loss surgery, dropped over a 100+ pounds
  • My TPT account is and has been paying off a little
  • I get to spend time with my g-d which seems to be more than it used to. If I have her alone, we get along GREAT, if maw-maw is around I don't get to visit with her.

Life's bad points.....
  • I did do the ACTS (church) retreat before my health gave out
  • I had to give up my teaching - retired and forced to due to medical reasons
  • I had to give up my subbing - due to medical reasons
  • I had to quit coaching - due to medical reasons
  • I had to quit umpiring - due to medical reasons
  • I gave up my traveling and photography - some what due to medical reasons
  • I quit going to therapy due to high cost and insurance issues
  • I quit walking every day which I loved doing
  • I can't seem to do the carpenter skills I used to due to my left hand
  • I don't share like/as often as I did when I was teaching
  • My retirement check is not very good
  • I am not OLD enough for SS check yet, even though I have heard my medical condition would help me get it
  • I spend WAY TO MUCH time here on my laptop, but my wife spends way to much time on her I guess we are even.

Life's is still good all-in-all. And YES I do embrace the day the Lord has given because he HAS given me another day. Is today a day to SMILE? I think so. At least let me get through the day and I will tell you then.

Just checked BP & BS, both seem to be ok and normal. My doctor should be happy when I see her. The meds seem to be working good. I don't get up in the middle of the night anymore since I figured out that I am going to not drink anything after about 5/6 PM. It means a solid sleep. And I fall asleep in about 5 minutes after my head hits the bed each night. I tend to never hear my wife come to bed.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Why so early?

5:00AM -------
It is very early again. I up, have check my BP and BS all fairly normal again. Slept ok last night but you still see that I'm up and at it early. And you see where I'm at, right?

I read the online newspaper, checked my emails, ate 'breakfast' - if you call a pop-tart breakfast. I have taken my meds, checked my bank account, been to bathroom, and just sat and piddled around for a while.

My g-daughter who spent the night just got up. She's eating cereal and beginning ready for school.

6:00AM -------
My normal Crystal Lite is holding me over. I know when my g-d heads to school, I'm going to go shave and then go back to bed to take a nap. There's nothing wrong with that since I got up so early.
My g-d is still eating a watching the iPad before she gets dressed.

7:30AM -------
My g-d just left for school. I just joined a 'new to me' Louisiana blog but all I really did was add this link to that link and hopefully it will get some people to view this blog, but who knows. Took dog out for his business.

9:13AM -------
Been surfing around the web looking for different blog sites to link to. Basically I really miss my old days on I had plenty of followers there and a large number of friends that I made over the years. I tended to blog everyday at Xanga but they changed, started charging, and to many of my followers went elsewhere. Being retired and nothing much to do, I NEED a site to just fill my days. Any ideas?

10:05AM -------
Just emailed back a 'request' I got to apply foe the charter school that I quit last September. They really don't want me back OR maybe they do and IF they do, I REALLY don't want to go back. No way!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Good Lord, I'm still here

3:30AM --------------
Another day, another .... I can't say that anymore. It's JUST another day. A day of doing nothing really but taking the dog out, sitting here typing on this blog, creating another couple of teacher resources for my teacher shops at TN and TPT and TL and TW, not sleeping, reading my emails, bidding my time, just watching another day go by. I'm going back to bed........

Got up, checked my BP & BS both seem fine. Took my meds, read my emails, created a couple more "freebies" for my teacher shops, ate a little breakfast, read my online newspaper, piddle on a few things, fed the cats and dog, 'catnapped' a bit.

10:30AM --------------
Took the dog out for his morning constitutional, set on the front porch just rocking and enjoying the breeze - not to hot, not to cool, came in watched a little TV, did a BUNCH of nothing, got back on this site, checked my emails again, briefly glanced at Facebook, set bored, doing what I seem to always do and that is just think, think, think, went back outside to sit in swing and do more thinking. Life is just BORING.

11:30AM --------------
Came back in and sat done here to type a little more. You do realize I am doing this one handed. I do just what I have too. I am still just hobbling around, but I am going to vacuum the carpet, get ready for my g-daughter to spend the night again since her mom is sick and her dad kept her the last two nights. Basically it means I have to more out of our bed because she and my wife take over our bed. Our g-d may be only 5 1/2 but she gets what she wants, when she wants it - according to my wife.

I am not my g-daughter's favorite but when my wife is gone or at he other jobs I become my g-d favorite, I fixed her supper the other night, planned a few games, watched a little TV until it just got LATE and my g-d wanted her mawmaw, then I was no longer her fav.

My wife will pick her up from school and take her to orchestra so she can show off her violin skills.

I wish I could type this normally so it would or could go faster.

5:02PM --------------
I wish, I wish, I wish, I know it does no good but I can at least wish I would get better, that the Lord could make me whole again, that I could get back to what I used to do....but that's not happening. I do go walk at Wal*Mart almost every day and I know that is helping. I do dream of doing things I used to and I see me getting better at them.

I do know that in the future I will look back at this medical problem and think 'you know, I knew it would..." and it will be better. Today IS better than yesterday and this week IS better than last week, a month ago, last year...well maybe not last year but I am coming back. I am getting older and I do dream of getting to my dad's age. I may not make it but I can try. I'm 63 and he made it to 92. That's a lon-n-n-g ways away and I don't want to be 'crippled' the rest of my life. If I'm going to be, just take me now. Otherwise, let me get better and better each day.

Lord, THANK YOU for giving me another day just so I can see myself with your help get better and better.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Time to call it quits

This morning early I began to have thoughts of "hanging it up", 'calling it quits", "just dying". I really feel like I have lived as long as I'm supposed to. There are things I can no longer do, things I have had to give up, and things that my body just won't do anymore.

I really wanted to live as long as my dad did - 92 years - but that no longer seems possible.

Since my mini-stroke or my battle with hypertension things have not gone well. I hate living this way if you can call it "living". I can this barely type this post knowing that I am having to do it one handed, the fact that my laptop keeps jumping around and putting my typing where ever IT wants to. I hate that.

As my dad said just after my mom died, "I'm ready to go home". He was ten years older than my mom. He had done his job and lived long enough so she was not alone. I am beginning to feel that way. My left leg does not work as well as it used to. I tend to limp, I have trouble getting in and out of the right side of the car. My left arm and hand don't work as well as they used to. I can still use it but it is just not as good as it once was.

I can no longer walk the neighborhood like I used to, no longer go walk the mall, eat at places we used to go to. Life just sucks. Oh, I do go to Wal*Mart but it's the basket I use as a 'walker' and I do notice my walking being better there so I tend to walk places like Lowe's, Home Depot, Hobby Lobby, Target, Kmart, Kroger's, and places that do have baskets.

I have been going to the doctor more often than I have before. I've done physical therapy, I have been to knee surgeon to talk about the problems I have but all to no avail. The knee surgeon says I 'won't be happy with the knee replacement' but it is because I expect so much and with my mini-stoke it will NEVER be like it was.

I spend to much of my day here on the laptop but even that is getting boring. I am beginning to go outside and just sit in my rocking chair or swing and nap. I have been going to the country to mow the grass out there – which I love doing – but I'm beginning to wonder what's going to happen with the place and work when I'm gone?

I miss teaching but I have begun to get over it due to the fact that I have given away, or tossed, lots of my teaching stuff. I could never go back even if I could/wanted to now. I am beginning to toss my teaching items in the trash now and just "let it go" as the saying says. I try to toss items every week so it's not such a big deal. Items that I once prided myself on having are now just landfill somewhere.

I know that I am eating less and less. We don't go out to eat nearly as much as we used to. Our new stove sets 'broken' or 'unusable' for the past two years. It just needs a same part but we have not needed it so it just sits. The microwave works well enough but not perfect but we make do.

Everyday my days starts the same, check my BP, then check my BS, then check my weight, then I can eat breakfast which consists of dry cereal most days. My weight has not changed more than a couple of pound up or down in five years now. My BP and BS tends to stay almost on mark most mornings.

I tend to drink Crystal Lite every day, because after weight-loss surgery I can't have cokes or carbonated beverages. Lunch generally but not always tends to be one of these Hormel small bowl dinners and generally we don't have supper any more. My wife really can't eat after about 6:30 so that put a stop to supper.

My wife still manages to put in 'work' at the university two nights a week, facing painting at kid's night once a week, going to mass once a week with our g-daughter, working with director's association once a month, playing in community band each week, singing in church choir once a week, and basically staying busy each week. Me, nope. I had to give to my softball team after 32 years, my umpiring after 30 years, my subbing and/or teaching after 29 years, my singing in the church choir after about 8 years. Basically I do nothing all day, every day. I do try to keep up with TPT, my own webpage, and other way of helping teachers. That is way I am so depressed right now.

I used to love snuggling with my wife at night but now she won't let me. We are both too old for sex but snugging would still be nice. But she stays up to late hours at night, sleeps late in the morning, and I'm just the opposite. Which does not help much in the snuggling time.

Maybe you can understand why I'm just ready to quit.