Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Time to call it quits
This morning early I began to have thoughts of "hanging it up", 'calling it quits", "just dying". I really feel like I have lived as long as I'm supposed to. There are things I can no longer do, things I have had to give up, and things that my body just won't do anymore.
I really wanted to live as long as my dad did - 92 years - but that no longer seems possible.
Since my mini-stroke or my battle with hypertension things have not gone well. I hate living this way if you can call it "living". I can this barely type this post knowing that I am having to do it one handed, the fact that my laptop keeps jumping around and putting my typing where ever IT wants to. I hate that.
As my dad said just after my mom died, "I'm ready to go home". He was ten years older than my mom. He had done his job and lived long enough so she was not alone. I am beginning to feel that way. My left leg does not work as well as it used to. I tend to limp, I have trouble getting in and out of the right side of the car. My left arm and hand don't work as well as they used to. I can still use it but it is just not as good as it once was.
I can no longer walk the neighborhood like I used to, no longer go walk the mall, eat at places we used to go to. Life just sucks. Oh, I do go to Wal*Mart but it's the basket I use as a 'walker' and I do notice my walking being better there so I tend to walk places like Lowe's, Home Depot, Hobby Lobby, Target, Kmart, Kroger's, and places that do have baskets.
I have been going to the doctor more often than I have before. I've done physical therapy, I have been to knee surgeon to talk about the problems I have but all to no avail. The knee surgeon says I 'won't be happy with the knee replacement' but it is because I expect so much and with my mini-stoke it will NEVER be like it was.
I spend to much of my day here on the laptop but even that is getting boring. I am beginning to go outside and just sit in my rocking chair or swing and nap. I have been going to the country to mow the grass out there – which I love doing – but I'm beginning to wonder what's going to happen with the place and work when I'm gone?
I miss teaching but I have begun to get over it due to the fact that I have given away, or tossed, lots of my teaching stuff. I could never go back even if I could/wanted to now. I am beginning to toss my teaching items in the trash now and just "let it go" as the saying says. I try to toss items every week so it's not such a big deal. Items that I once prided myself on having are now just landfill somewhere.
I know that I am eating less and less. We don't go out to eat nearly as much as we used to. Our new stove sets 'broken' or 'unusable' for the past two years. It just needs a same part but we have not needed it so it just sits. The microwave works well enough but not perfect but we make do.
Everyday my days starts the same, check my BP, then check my BS, then check my weight, then I can eat breakfast which consists of dry cereal most days. My weight has not changed more than a couple of pound up or down in five years now. My BP and BS tends to stay almost on mark most mornings.
I tend to drink Crystal Lite every day, because after weight-loss surgery I can't have cokes or carbonated beverages. Lunch generally but not always tends to be one of these Hormel small bowl dinners and generally we don't have supper any more. My wife really can't eat after about 6:30 so that put a stop to supper.
My wife still manages to put in 'work' at the university two nights a week, facing painting at kid's night once a week, going to mass once a week with our g-daughter, working with director's association once a month, playing in community band each week, singing in church choir once a week, and basically staying busy each week. Me, nope. I had to give to my softball team after 32 years, my umpiring after 30 years, my subbing and/or teaching after 29 years, my singing in the church choir after about 8 years. Basically I do nothing all day, every day. I do try to keep up with TPT, my own webpage, and other way of helping teachers. That is way I am so depressed right now.
I used to love snuggling with my wife at night but now she won't let me. We are both too old for sex but snugging would still be nice. But she stays up to late hours at night, sleeps late in the morning, and I'm just the opposite. Which does not help much in the snuggling time.
Maybe you can understand why I'm just ready to quit.