Depession is over, nervious is setting in

Why am I here? That is the question I have. I am no longer depressed, just nervous. I have been select to start next year at a new school. It is a local charter school and the principal WANTS me due to all the things she has heard about me. I am excited because of what I seen of the seventh graders and what they are telling me about the other "teachers" there.

Seems many of the school's "teachers" are just bidding their time or they are so new that they can't get a job with the regular school system. I have been in the school system for more than 25 years and glad to move on.

After watching various teachers keep giving these students bookwork daily it is no wonder they are bored. I would be too. I am not that type of teacher. We do everything from worksheets to games to projects to posters to lapbooks to writing sequels to 'building' models of hurricanes to math to plays to taking notes to re-teaching the class to artwork to jeopardy to who is smarter than an 8th grader to creative writing to creating songs to bell-ringers called LaGumbo to Facts of the Day to group work to maps to many more - oh, and yes, we do take tests - sometimes.

But I don't want to do all the work. I figure the more I get them to do the better it is. Students never know what to expect when they walk in the door - it's always a surprise.
 
I love my job and I am not ready to hang it up - not yet, not anytime soon.
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Here I am, typing for myself. No one posts any comments, makes suggestions, wishes me anything. I am just typing to be typing,

Depression sets in AGAIN!

Again it is beginning to depress me. I hate this time of the year since I can’t buy the gifts I want, I can’t go where I want. I can’t do what I want, I don’t get a pay check and I feel so left out. Oh I will make it through til the first of the year but things won’t be normal. The weather tears me down, my knee tears me down, my “mini-stroke” tears me down, no having school tears me down, a broken tractor in the country tears me down, I can go on and on and on….

My brain wants better but all this is holding me back. PT is going good – so to speak, every day I just live to get to the night so I can go to bed and sleep for 10-12 hours. I don’t but I can at least wish. 

The weather is bad down here in south Louisiana; tonight it is supposed to get to 27 or below. Things are not looking up. My wife is planning a Thanksgiving feast tomorrow for our kids and her dad. I just want to get past the day - period. We tend to not go out to shop on Black Friday so that helps. I will most likely be assigned tree duty and lighting duty for the house. We were not able to book rooms for the All-State band conference this past weekend due to the LSU game over booking rooms in Baton Rouge – the first time in 18 years for us. Saved us money – I guess. We are not going to the RennFaire in Texas this year due to the cold air – that’s saves us money again. It is all DO NOTHING time that I hate.

Moving On

Well, it’s cold. Make that COLD and it is getting COLDER. If the weather conditions hit the Freezing mark in South Louisiana it is considered COLD. Especially in November. IT never gets this cold before February but the climate is changing and it is getting colder by the day down here. Right now it is 48 degrees but as it gets darker outside things may and will get colder as the night goes on. They are taking about a low of 32 and even colder in a couple of days.

Come Wednesday I have a doctor’s visit to get an injection I my knee of Supartz. It should help my legs and knee get better and better.

I have still been working on lessons for my classes next year but I still don’t really know if they work because I can’t test them. But hey, I am coming up with a ton of ideas and projects.

Christmas is coming up and that will drag me down due to not having any real money since I don’t have a paycheck. This is just going to make me even sadder.

Seven Days of sickness

It has been a very miserable three days as I suffered through a 24/48 stomach flu that me down sleeping very long, not eating, not drinking, not going the bathroom, nothing for the first two days. The third day was just a little better as I could get up and down all da eating a couple of crackers, eating a few cantaloupe slices, and one time drinking a LITTLE tiny glass of protein shake, and another eating a few peach slices throughout the day. A late shower allowed staggering to my nephew’s birthday/going away to the Marines went as well as expected. A full night’s sleep last night worked well so I am up and at it this morning.

I feel so much better today so I feel like I can tell about the “flu: or whatever it was that go me down. This thing hit me so hard that I did not get to see my youngest grandson or my granddaughter over the two days. I did not eat or drink anything. I had nothing but dry heaves for the time period.

Sunday I was still not completely better but I was up and around even though I did not make it to church. I did manage to stay up most of the day and watch some TV and talk to my wife a little bit.

On Monday I had a doctor’s appointment in LC and after I filled out a bible of paperwork got to meet with two nurses and two doctors. All info was great but it was more and MORE questions about my knee. BY the time I left I had missed seeing my grandson heading off to the Marine recruit center at Paris Island.  I only missed his leaving by 10 minutes but I STILL missed it. I headed up coming home and sleeping for three hours. From there I stayed awake the rest of the day/evening.

Today (Tuesday) I got up just fine and feel almost NORMAL and I hope things will go well. I am still ten pounds down from normal but I feel better. Had breakfast which was leftover from yesterdays meal but it was good.

Now I have things I want to get done from the last seven days!

Depressed

Things have really gone from bad to worse to really depressing as I sit here and WISH I could go back to school NOW. Oh I have written lesson ideas right and left but don’t know if they will work since I can’t try them out. I miss my students – sure I have been up to school a few times but not often enough. And if I were it is still not MY class. I am getting more and more depressed each day.

I sit here and read blogs, the newspaper, emails, and do as much as I can on my laptop but it is still not the same. My mini stroke is getting better but not good enough. TH brain want it to be better NOW but the body is just taking its own sweet time. Sure I am out cutting grass, weed-eating, ‘wobbling’ around the house without a cane, going to church getting out to go to the store from time to time but it is still not “normal”.

I miss getting paid so I miss being able to do things on a daily bases. I tend to check my bank account every day to so I can ‘know’ that it is still in the black. Sure it is bad but I also have to check what is coming up – Christmas, birthdays, softball. All-State music, RennFaire, etc. All those take money and getting back on my feet.

I want to get back to ‘typing’ with ALL ten fingers – I am typing with eight right now even though I am TRYING to get better at this. Eight fingres is better than five so I have come a long way so far. It is a lot like walking around. I can get from room to room, place to place with a cane now but this left leg brace/boot is heavy and it slows me down but not as bad as it used too. It is better than before when I had to use a cane even day.

PT at the hospital is down to just one day a week for now. Going there is a ‘pain’ in a since but even that is better than it used to be. I try to do my ‘exercises’ as much as possible on a daily basis. I have been told every week that it is getting better and I know I only have about 8 weeks to go before they release me. I am told that if I can get my foot to bend back or arch up at least 70% I can get out of this brace. It is about 90% now so it at least gives me a goal to shoot for. It’s my toes that still sort of drag as I take my steps and that is the lats real worry. I can climb out front steps every day. I have a new procedure that I have to go see at a clinic on the 18^th. That’s making me excited.

But you can see that I am still depressed due to my teaching. I want to be in my own class, teaching what I love, and visiting on a daily basis with the friends I have at my school. The problem is that I know I will get there but just NOT SOON ENOUGH!

Boot this thing!

This boot/brace on my left foot to beginning to “weight” me down in a sense, I want it off and I walk to “walk” like I used to. I want to back like it used to be. I still try to do the things I used to but it takes me MUCH longer than before. Hauling items, weed eating, to cutting board takes so much longer. Going places I used to take so much longer than it used to. Some places I am asked to go get a ‘no way’  I would rather not even go because I am just to slow.

I have not been to a football game, marching festival, visit a historical site, all because I am just to dang slow, can't climb steps, to afraid of failing. I just want to get out of this boot/brace. 

I am going to go to my grand-daughter’s school carnival after church today but I would rather not. I know I will just slow everyone down. I know I won’t enjoy it as much as I used to even though it is with my grand-daughter and my wife.

I just want to get rid of this boot. The nurse at PT fussed at me last visit because I didn't wear it. I had hoped she wouldn't but she did! She did teach me several things I need to do to help. But I am sorry. I don't want to be in this thing forever.

I do know that I am getting better, I am not dragging my foot with each step, I am lifting my foot better when I climb the steps getting up to our front porch. I am even going down the steps frontwards....but very slowly. I just want to get better YESTERDAY! Is that to much to ask? 

SLOWLY getting better

The “bookcase” back in my classroom/workroom/study is slowly beginning to together. I am pre-assembling all of it out in the garage and when I get help I will bring them in the study where I am putting it all together.

I have I been able to SLOWLY empty a couple of file cabinets. I have tossed tons of hard copies that I no longer need. I am SLOWLY moving books, DVDs, video takes, tons of history materials, and lots of stuff I use from time to time. I can begin to toss tons of materials that I have stored for years and years and years.

I have filled our trash cans twice now and will fill them again this week. It may not look like it but I can see the end coming SLOWLY and I can get things ready for a bright future. From the outside it may not look like much but I can see a deference being made.

My PT is going well even though I have now loss both nurses that have worked with me from the start. One graduate and moved back home to north Louisiana and the other was moved to a new department for her next rotation within the hospital. But I can tell that things are getting much BETTER even though it is not fast enough to suit me.

I am walking better – without a cane – except when we go out someplace. I like having it as a “backup” just in case. I have been a few places without it and I walk around the house without it. Right now I am not even sure where it is!

My typing is getting better. I am typing this with 8 fingers – five on my right hand and three on my left. The left still does not work great but it is not hitting the wrong keys at least!

I have cut the grass on my riding lawnmower and weed-eaten most of the yard. I have done all of this without my cane but with my brace/boot. Hey, it is a step in the right direction.

Back to my study and my bookcases. I have painted the wall and gotten everything ready for the final bookcases for this afternoon when I get some help bringing them in –I am not making that mistake again.

I am no longer trying to RUSH things!