Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Depressed


Things have really gone from bad to worse to really depressing as I sit here and WISH I could go back to school NOW. Oh I have written lesson ideas right and left but don’t know if they will work since I can’t try them out. I miss my students – sure I have been up to school a few times but not often enough. And if I were it is still not MY class. I am getting more and more depressed each day.

I sit here and read blogs, the newspaper, emails, and do as much as I can on my laptop but it is still not the same. My mini stroke is getting better but not good enough. TH brain want it to be better NOW but the body is just taking its own sweet time. Sure I am out cutting grass, weed-eating, ‘wobbling’ around the house without a cane, going to church getting out to go to the store from time to time but it is still not “normal”.

I miss getting paid so I miss being able to do things on a daily bases. I tend to check my bank account every day to so I can ‘know’ that it is still in the black. Sure it is bad but I also have to check what is coming up – Christmas, birthdays, softball. All-State music, RennFaire, etc. All those take money and getting back on my feet.

I want to get back to ‘typing’ with ALL ten fingers – I am typing with eight right now even though I am TRYING to get better at this. Eight fingres is better than five so I have come a long way so far. It is a lot like walking around. I can get from room to room, place to place with a cane now but this left leg brace/boot is heavy and it slows me down but not as bad as it used too. It is better than before when I had to use a cane even day.

PT at the hospital is down to just one day a week for now. Going there is a ‘pain’ in a since but even that is better than it used to be. I try to do my ‘exercises’ as much as possible on a daily basis. I have been told every week that it is getting better and I know I only have about 8 weeks to go before they release me. I am told that if I can get my foot to bend back or arch up at least 70% I can get out of this brace. It is about 90% now so it at least gives me a goal to shoot for. It’s my toes that still sort of drag as I take my steps and that is the lats real worry. I can climb out front steps every day. I have a new procedure that I have to go see at a clinic on the 18th. That’s making me excited.

But you can see that I am still depressed due to my teaching. I want to be in my own class, teaching what I love, and visiting on a daily basis with the friends I have at my school. The problem is that I know I will get there but just NOT SOON ENOUGH!

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