Why do I go on living? God has taken away my living due to the “stroke’ and school has taken away my reason for getting up every morning. They have taken away my reason for doing the yearbook, I am not allowed to teach my own classes, and I can’t get out to cut the grass, work on my own house, and do the things I have always done. Now I can’t even sleep at night because my brain keeps me awake thinking about what I can’t do.
I can’t really take a shower without help, I can’t put on clothes without help, I can’t eat what I want, when I want without my wife picking it out for me. I am told I have to eat healthy, eat this that and what I really don’t want. I am down to one meal a day now. We don’t go out to eat much anymore. I really can’t drive much. I am told I am too slow so my wife gets upset most of the time.
During the day I sit and watch TV so feel like I am rotting away. My brain still works and wants to do but my body has been taken away for now. Physical therapy has become a drag. I do it because I know I need to but I don’t see any real results.
Over the years I have been able to get up and go whenever and wherever I wanted. I ate what I wanted, watched what I wanted, done what I wanted. Suddenly have to slow down – and smell the roses, in effect. I am not good at slowing down. This will be an impossible year for me it seems.
What have I lost so far:
· Doing the Yearbook
· Walking around normally
· The use of my left arm
· Sleeping well at night
· Taking a shower by myself
· Drying off for the most part
· Putting my clothes on by myself
· Putting my socks on by myself
· Getting paid normally
· Cutting grass
· Painting the walls
· Building book cases
What I have left for now:
· My brain functions
· My right arm and hand (I am typing this at 4AM)
· My websites
· My sight and ability to read the paper every day online
· The ability to go to the bathroom nearly normally
· Walking around (albeit with a cane for now)
· Getting dressed with some fancy work by myself
· Getting to and going through physical therapy
· Putting my socks and shoes on by myself sort of
· Using the computer somewhat
· Waiting on doctor’s calls about knee replacement
· Working on hand therapy for now
· Homeschooling my grandson
· Making these lists
· Weighing the goods and the bads on these lists
Okay, maybe things are as bad as they seem for now. I have been told by the therapist that things will get better just not at the snap of a finger. I just have to work at it. Don’t just sit and let death catch up to me. The school has saved me a place for next year, I just have to get back there. Things ARE better than they were three weeks ago. A lot better but my brain still wants things done NOW!
I know at some point I will look back at this post and “man I was at a low point back then”. And Lord, “I am sorry for doubting you. I do have and did have faith but you have to and had to carry me for a while.”