After being told about the AmHist job at the school I have always dreamed of my brain just could not stop thinking about it, dreaming about it, praying about it. It was just heaven. My brain just would not stop, Days went by. But my brain was dealing with "wanting the JOB" and my body was dealing with "what if I fall in the classroom". It slowly became a slugfest - Brain vs body. One side really wanted to win the other struggled with the idea of losing. Winner takes all.
I had dreamed of this job since I started teaching in the very early 1990s. I just WANTED this job. God, please help me get this job. I can survive. It was only 'one step away' from my beloved teaching of Louisiana history. It is teaching at the same school I started at when we moved here in 1965 and one of my former student teaches at. I want this job.!!!!!
My body was telling me, reminding me, 'what if...',. It is still over a half-year of falls. 'What if...'. I know the stories. Then I opened my mouth and said 'should' to my wife. She came back with "I have been thinking the same thing".
It suddenly became an unfair fight. The winning side just became more one-sided. My dream just melted away.
Over night, my dreams just became nightmares as I thought more and more about the job. My drop foot issue became more prominent more pronounced.
The more I thought about it, the more I realize my life 'in a since' is over. I need to look into doing something else. My brain had lost and my body had won.
Today, I started to think more about my "trike" and the riding I can. Things are getting a little better in my brain. I rode it around to my sister's this morning, and I hope to ride in more each day. I went out to get a odometer to add to by trike so I can keep track of the mileage I ride for the doctor.HOPE being the key word here.
Body 1, Brain 0.
Weight was down a pound this morning. Hoping tomorrow will bring better results.
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